It's An Adolescent Thing

Hypnosis Defined

2010-11-08T08:46:00.001-06:00

The following is a definition of Hypnosis from the American Society of Clinical Hypnosis (ASCH). Hypnosis is a state of inner absorption, concentration and focused attention. It is like using a magnifying glass to focus the rays of the sun and make them more powerful. Similarly, when our minds are concentrated and focused, we are able to use our minds more powerfully. Because hypnosis allows people to use more of their potential, learning self-hypnosis is the ultimate act of self-control.

Practitioners use clinical hypnosis in three main ways. First, they encourage the use of imagination. Mental imagery is very powerful, especially in a focused state of attention. The mind seems capable of using imagery, even if it is only symbolic, to assist us in bringing about the things we are imagining. For example, a patient with ulcerative colitis may be asked to imagine what his/her distressed colon looks like. If she imagines it as being like a tunnel, with very red, inflamed walls that are rough in texture, the patient may be encouraged in hypnosis (and in self-hypnosis) to imagine this image changing to a healthy one.

A second basic hypnotic method is to present ideas or suggestions to the patient. In a state of concentrated attention, ideas and suggestions that are compatible with what the patient wants seem to have a more powerful impact on the mind.

Finally, hypnosis may be used for unconscious exploration, to better understand underlying motivations or identify whether past events or experiences are associated with causing a problem. Hypnosis avoids the critical censor of the conscious mind, which often defeats what we know to be in our best interests. The effectiveness of hypnosis appears to lie in the way in which it bypasses the critical observation and interference of the conscious mind, allowing the client’s intentions for change to take effect.

The Solution Focused Credo

2009-12-31T20:42:00.004-06:00

I do not know what is best for you.

The solutions are already in your life. Let's discover them together.

I want to know the whole situation from our perspective.

My suggestions may be helpful, but it is more effective to focus on your solutions.

You already have the resources to solve problems. I need to help you get "unstuck."

To be a helper, I don't have to give answers.

It is okay to patiently help you "struggle" for solutions.

- Curt Wennerdahl, LCSW

Three Little Birds

2009-12-31T20:37:00.003-06:00

Sit back and let the lyrics of Bob Marley sink in because every little thing is gonna be all right.

"Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:")

Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:"

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh!
Every little thing gonna be all right. Don't worry!"
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing" - I won't worry!
"'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right" - I won't worry!
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, oh no!
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!

How Important Is Your Past?

2009-12-10T06:22:00.001-06:00

One of my favorite quotes is from Buddhist Monk Thich Nhat Hanh:

THE PAST IS FINISHED.
LEARN FROM IT AND LET IT GO.
THE FUTURE IS NOT EVEN HERE YET.
PLAN FOR IT, BUT DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME WORRYING ABOUT IT.
WORRYING IS WORTHLESS
WHEN YOU STOP RUMINATING ABOUT WHAT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED,
WHEN YOU STOP WORRYING ABOUT WHAT MIGHT NEVER HAPPEN.
THEN YOU WILL BE IN THE PRESENT MOMENT.
THEN YOU WILL BEGIN TO EXPERIENCE JOY IN LIFE.

This is a very present minded philosophy that leads you to believe that focusing on this moment in your life is most important. Very solid advice. But what if you're stuck? Stuck in a place that keeps you held back in the past, makes it difficult to focus on today, and makes the future look like a concept that can never exist. Or what if some event from the past or continued behavior pattern is stuck in the deepest part of your mind? So deep down that it has become a part of you, even though you consciously want to change.

If this describes you, you're not alone. Most issues/behaviors, if not all, that you struggle with are formed in the past. There was a time in your life when you didn't feel this way. It might have been two weeks ago or ten years ago. The key is to find out when your symptoms didn't exist. Once you find that period in your life, move forward until the moment the symptoms started. At this point look at what changed in your life, what was different on that day than on the day before? Did something traumatic happen? Did someone say something to you that frightened you? Were you in an accident? Did someone leave you or die? If you can pinpoint the moment and what significant event occurred, you have just taken the first step toward finding solutions for your problem, living in the present day and looking toward the future.

Sometimes it's difficult to find out when and why such issues began by yourself. Even traditional talk therapy may not help you get to the source. This may occur because the source of your problem has become imprinted into your subconscious. As mentioned before, it became so deep that it's part of who you are, it's become an automatic response or behavior.

How many times have you said to yourself that you don't want to be this way or feel this way but continue to do so?

You already know what it is you need to know, you just don't know it yet.

Consciously you say to yourself, for example, I don't want to feel depressed anymore. Yet, you continue to be down and feel overwhelmed. Let's say that you've been feeling this way for two years. You're still able to wake up every morning (with much effort) and get through your day, but it's exhausting. More than likely what's going on is that something happened two years ago that started the process of the depression. You've been down for so long that your subconscious mind took it in as something important. You depress every day, it must be important. So it made depressing an automatic behavior.

That may be the reason why you are having trouble overcoming your depression. Your subconscious needs to be informed that you do not want to feel this way anymore and that you want to change. Therefore, the quote above. You already know you want to change, you just have to inform/reinforce your deepest mind (subconscious) regarding your decision.

So how do you do this?

One way to open your mind and communicate with the subconscious part of you is through hypnosis. When in a hypnotic state you are more capable of relaxing and focusing on what's important. With the help of a licensed professional who has been trained in Counseling and hypnosis you can more easily get to that starting point and take the necessary steps to move on with your life in the positive direction that you have been looking for.

Weather The Changes

2009-11-30T09:53:00.001-06:00

It’s now the time of year when people are starting to make changes in their lives to adapt to the external changes in the atmosphere. Since the temperature has started to fall, the jackets, hats, and gloves have found their way out of the closets and hidden boxes in order to prevent our bodies from feeling the cold air whisking in from the north. The umbrellas and shovels have found their way into the hall closets and back seats of our cars so we are prepared in case of rain or snow. Many people have even gone out to get flu shots to protect themselves from the germs that frequently attack us this time of the year. Mainly, what most people are doing, most likely from past learning experiences, is being preventative, taking control of their lives in order to avoid future conflict. Taking care of our physical well being has become common place in most households this time of year to ensure that the months ahead are as comfortable as possible.

This is also the time of year when many external changes in the atmosphere cause emotional discomfort which often leads to unhappiness. Unfortunately, most of us do not have the tools passed down from generations to prevent such discomforts as depression, anxiety, anger, or stress. There is no box to take out of the closet that holds the materials to comfort and help us feel better. The television advertises such medications as Prozac and Zoloft to ease the discomfort, but they don’t seem to get to the source of the unhappiness. The feelings the drugs give only seem to be euphoric and temporary. So how does one take care of their emotional lives this time of year.

Certain steps can be taken once there is a feeling of discomfort or unhappiness in ones life that can lead to solutions and future preventative skills.

-Seek out the source of the current discomfort or unhappiness.
If there is sudden unhappiness in your life that is showing itself in the form of depression, for example, accept that it is there. Fighting or ignoring it will not result in it going away. Take a look at the last time you were feeling happy and mark that date. Then go over the events in your life from that point to the present, looking for changes that would effect your state of happiness. For example, let’s say that as of two weeks ago you were running three miles a day after work. This activity made you feel happy in many ways. Two weeks ago, it became dark before you left work and as a result, you stopped running, which directly effected your state of happiness.

-Seek out solutions to your unhappiness.
Once you have seen what changes have caused your current situation, look for solutions that will create movement in a positive direction. Staying with the previous example, joining the local health club will allow you to continue to run after work. This will lead to your regaining the benefits from running that contributed to the past happiness.

-Seek out someone who can help find the source and solutions.
Sometimes the causes of unhappiness are more complex than the example stated above and harder to figure out. In such instances, it is sometimes helpful to seek out professional help. A professional counselor can offer the caring, expert assistance that is often needed during these stressful times. A counselor can help you identify your problem and assist you in finding the best way to cope with the situation by changing behaviors that contribute to the problem or by finding constructive ways to deal with a situation that is beyond your personal control.

Taking care of yourself is very important this time of year. So take out those hidden boxes, umbrellas and shovels in preparation for what mother nature is going to throw your way. While you’re doing this, take a look at how you are going to protect yourself from the emotional stress of the season. If you can acknowledge that something is wrong, looking for the answers and creating change can be as rewarding as a warm jacket on a cold winters day.

Saying The Right Thing At The Right Time

2009-11-17T20:21:00.002-06:00

It isn't the amount of time.
It isn't the theory of psychotherapy.
It's how you reach the personality by saying the right thing at the right time.

-Milton H. Erickson, M.D.

7 Partner Types

2009-11-16T09:02:00.004-06:00

1. Equal Partners. This individual behaves as an equal partner in marital interaction and desires an equal relationship (whether or not the spouse has the same desire for equality).

2. Romantic Partner. This person acts as if he or she is incomplete and requires a romantic partner in order to be whole.

3. Parental Partner. This type involves a master (essentially an authoritarian and controlling parent stance carried to an extreme). Includes a rescuer subtype who typically establishes a temporary complementary relationship with a "save-me" subtype.

4. Childlike Partner. This is a profile of a person who wishes to be taken care of, but who actually may wield the power in the marital relationship. The counterpart of the parental profile, this person exhibits the "save-me" subtype mentioned above.

5. Rational Partner. This type is strongly defended against admitting that emotions may affect her or his actions and tries to form a logical, orderly relationship with the spouse.

6. Companionate Partner. The basic wish of this type is a partner with whom to share daily living. A person of this type exhibits behaviors that are aimed at escaping being alone. This type typically can tolerate closeness.

7. Parallel Partners. Avoiding an intimate relationship is the goal of this type's behaviors. The partner is expected to accept the independence and emotional distance that such a marital relationship entails.

Life Has Meaning

2009-11-16T08:58:00.003-06:00

Two quotes from Psychiatrist Viktor Frankl.

Live as if you were living for the second time and had acted as wrongly the first time as you are about to act now.

The meaning of life differs from man to man, from day to day and from hour to hour. What matters, therefore, is not the meaning of life in general but rather the specific meaning of a person's life at a given moment.

Be On Time

2009-11-09T09:52:00.002-06:00

If you're five minutes early,
You're on time.

If you're on time,
You're late.

Smoking, Alcohol Use and Sexual Activity Stats

2009-10-29T08:53:00.005-05:00

The following statistics are provided by ChildStats.gov.

Alcohol Use - Alcohol is the most common psychoactive substance used during adolescents. According to a 2008 study;

8% of both male and female 8th-grade students reported heavy drinking.
17% of male and 15% of female 10th-grade students reported heavy drinking.
28% of male and 21% of female 12th-grade students reported heavy drinking.

Cigarette Smoking - Many adults who are currently addicted to tobacco began smoking as adolescents, and it is estimated that more than 6 million of today's underage smokers will die of tobacco-related illnesses. According to a 2008 study;

3% of both male and female 8th-grade students reported daily smoking.
6% of both male and female 10th-grade students reported daily smoking.
12% of male and 11% of female 12th-grade students reported daily smoking.

Sexual Activity - According to a 2007 study;

48% of high school students reported ever having had sexual intercourse.
33% of 9th-grade students reported ever having had sexual intercourse.
65% of 12th-grade students reported ever having had sexual intercourse.

Happen

2009-10-27T08:02:00.003-05:00

Want It To Happen

Let It Happen

And It Will Happen

Your Teen Is An Extension Of You

2009-10-26T09:05:00.001-05:00

Teenagers don't just look like their parents, they sometimes act like them as well. They have spent their young lives watching how you act and behave in all types of situations. They have imprinted all of this into their brains and automatically display such behavior throughout their lives. An example of this is how your teen communicates with others. If your family home communicates by yelling and arguing all of the time, chances are your teen will yell and argue a lot with their friends and at school.

Some "how to's" your teen learns from you are:

-how to communicate with others.
-how to love
-how to be shy
-how to be outgoing
-how to be afraid
-how to be positive
-how to be negative
-how to judge
-how to discriminate
-how to show compassion

If you have noticed your teen acting in certain ways that bother you, or your teen says things such as "well, you do it," or "don't be such a hypocrite," chances are they are behaving in a way that they have picked up from you. This isn't to say that your teenagers behavior is your fault. It's just a sign that allows you to correct the behavior. How so, by recognizing that you act that way and simply changing your behavior. By making such a change, you teen will notice and hopefully model your changes in the near future.

Watch what you say and how you say it. Watch what you do and how you do it

Grades Are Just Numbers And Letters

2009-10-19T09:13:00.001-05:00

Student A has a grade point average of 80%, which is a "B" average at his school. Student B has a grade point average of 80%, which is a "C" average at his school. Both Student A and student B pay attention at school, spend time at home doing homework, and study hard for tests. You can say that they are similar students, almost identical. Yet, student B's parents feel that he is not living up to their expectations of maintaining a "B" average. He has a "C" average. Therefore, he is not working hard enough and gets punished on a regular basis. On the other hand, Student A's parents are happy with his grades and school work and he gets rewarded on a regular basis.

What is wrong with this picture?

Here we have two students that put in the same efforts and get the same grades. The only difference is that the grade scales are 80 - 90 for a B at one school and 84 - 92 for a B at the other school.

In a situation like this is it more important to look at the numbers and letters or the effort put forth by the student? If student B was at the other school and was given a "B" average, would he be treated differently. On the other hand, if student A was at the other school and was given a "C" average, should he be punished?

Maybe as parents, we should put more emphasis on effort than on letters and numbers. If your teen works hard and puts in the time, the results are secondary. Praise them for the time they put in to obtain their grades. Encourage them to keep up the good work to maintain or improve their grades. If they give their best as students, it's only fair to give our best as parents.

7 Tips When Faced With An Angry Teen

2009-10-14T08:04:00.002-05:00

1. Control Your Anger. Anger feeds off of anger. When you stay calm in the face of an angry teen, they will eventually calm down themselves.

2. Listen To What They Have To Say. Let them vent and take in all of their words, meanings and feelings. Try not to think about what your response is going to be as they are talking. When they are finished, rephrase what they have said so they know you were listening before you give your input/feedback.

3. Breathe. While you are controlling your anger and listening, remember to breathe. Without your teen even noticing, you can take in deep; soothing breathes and slowly let them out. This will help slow down your heart rate and blood flow and reduce tension in your body. This will help keep you relaxed and give the appearance of being calm and collective.

4. Talk, Don’t Shout. Use a soft voice and talk slowly. One thing you are doing here is modeling how you want your teen to talk to you. If they get louder, you get softer.

5. Use “I” Statements. Such as “I” understand where you are coming from,” or “it makes “me” feel bad to hear that you are being treated that way.” When you use “I” statements your teen gets a sense that you are listening, that you care, and becomes less defensive.

6. Try Not To Threaten, Warn, Or Punish In The Moment. This will only make them angrier and less likely to calm down. If it’s necessary to set consequences for their behavior, do it later when everyone has calmed down. At this time, remember your “I” statements. For example, “I understand you were angry and you had every right to be, but the way you talked to me was not appropriate, therefore…

7. Walk Away. This tip is for both the parents and the teen. Both should be allowed to walk away from the confrontation if it is going nowhere or getting out of control. Sometimes people need to walk away to compose themselves so they can come back at a later time to talk it out. Create an “angry place.” Teens should be allowed a place to go to let their anger out so they can come back and discuss what’s going on in a calmer manner. This place can be their room, the basement, the garage or any other safe place you come up with.

About The Picture

2009-07-16T13:26:00.001-05:00

What I like about this picture is that it can be viewed in many different ways. Some may look at the lake and comment on how beautiful it is, or how the sky reflects off of the water. Others might take notice of the struggling to grow grass and dead trees. Some may not even notice the grass, trees or lake and just wonder how far the houses on the other side are from where they are standing.

This view can also represent our struggles in life and how they effect us. We are all beautiful people on the inside, just like the lake. Unfortunately, there are distractions in our lives that make us feel and act in a way that hides our true selves and shows the "other side," such as the dead trees or struggling to grow grass.

So this is why I picked this picture for my blog. That, or the fact that I only had to step on my balcony to take the picture:)

Zen Saying

2009-06-27T20:29:00.002-05:00

A spiritual master received a learned man who came to gain deeper insight into the mysteries of life.

The master prepared tea. While serving the tea he began to explain, but the learned professor kept on interrupting with his own opinions. So the master poured his visitor's cup full, and then kept on pouring.

The learned man watched the overflow until he no longer could restrain himself, "it is overfull. No more will go in!"

"Like this cup, " the master said, "you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you anything unless you first empty your cup?"

The Three Lessons

2009-05-26T14:27:00.002-05:00

Once, not too long ago, there was a young boy who lived in another state. I don't remember if it was in Washington or Georgia or someplace else. He heard about a wise elderly woman who lived deep in the woods, and he figured that the wise woman was someone who could help him with his problem, so he went to a lot of trouble to find directions to her house, and once he did, he set out through the forest.

It was late November and it was cold. He could see his breath, and as he passed an icy stream he bent down and put his hand into the cold, cold water. Eventually, up ahead in a clearing, he saw the house, and when he got there he knocked on the door. From inside he heard a voice that said, "You may come in," which was lesson number one.

It was warm in the house and he looked around at all the things in there...and finally he could contain himself no longer and blurted out, "I want to know everything you know so I can help myself with my problem," and the wise woman looked deeply into the boy's eyes and said, "I see that you already know everything that you need to know except that you don't yet know that you already know all those things," which was lesson number two.

Finally, as it was nearing the time to go, the young boy didn't know if a minute had passed or an hour. He looked up again at the wise woman who said, "You must listen very closely," which was lesson number three. The young boy left and we know that everything worked out just fine for him.

7 Homework Strategies

2009-05-25T20:17:00.009-05:00

I see so many kids that are good students, test well, and get mediocre to bad grades. Why? Because they don't do their homework. Struggling with homework is a universal phenomena, good students and bad students all participate in not participating in homework. I'm sure you've heard all of the excuses for not doing homework, such as, "I just spent all day in school, why should I do work at home," "I already did it," "I don't have any homework," "I don't understand it," "I forgot it," etc..

Here are 7 strategies to help your teen with homework:

1. Set aside a time each evening when homework is to be done. This may be right after school from 3:30 to 4:30, after dinner from 6:00 to 7:00, or any other time you choose, as long as it's not too late in the evening. The key is to set a time and be consistent each day by starting at the same time. One hour is usually a good time frame, but if your teen needs more time than that to complete the homework, by all means, let them continue.

2. Pick a comfortable spot in the house to do the homework. This should be a place where there are little to no distractions. The dining room or kitchen table are usually good spots, their bedrooms are not.

3. Make sure everything that your teen needs to start and complete the homework is at arms length. Your teens assignment notebook, supplies, books, etc. should all be in the room and easy to grab. The nice thing about many schools now is that you can access your teens homework online. Therefore, have a computer handy just in case they "forgot" what they had to do.

4. Encourage your teen to start with the more difficult homework. This way the homework gets easier as they go along and helps them finish with less stress and anxiety.

5. Make sure the homework is complete and reviewed before everything is put away. There's nothing worse than feeling relieved that your homework is done only to find out the next day that you forgot something and it doesn't count. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

6. Set an example for your teen. Sit down with them during this time and read a book or magazine. This allows you to be there for them if they need any help or have questions. It also shows them that having to sit down for an hour or so and expanding your mind is not always a bad thing.

7. ALWAYS REMEMBER TO HAVE THEM USE THE BATHROOM BEFORE SITTING DOWN TO DO THEIR HOMEWORK.

The Influence Of Music

2009-05-14T08:00:00.000-05:00

Music is very powerful. If you are like me, you can hear a song from when you were a teen or younger and almost immediately go back in time. The year, the place, your friends, sights, smells, feelings, they all come to life. Depending on the song, certain emotions make themselves present. A love song brings you back to that first crush just as easily as an upbeat song reminds you of the fun you had. Rebellious songs remind you of the things you did that you weren't supposed to do and the dance songs place you back in front of that mirror.

Songs made you laugh, cry, love, hate and at times not care at all. Music was good at tugging away at your emotions. Remember the songs? Remember the feelings? Remember the power?

Good. Because your teen is going through the same thing right now as those ear pieces are welded to their ears. They are living a moment and imprinting it into their minds with the help of the music they are listening to. A couple of things to consider when it comes to your teens music selection.

-Let them live the moment. Let them listen and take it all in. You might not like or understand the music they are listening to. You might think it's not even music! The point is that it means something to them. It brings about those emotions that they struggle with on a day to day basis. In many ways, it's more about them than the music they are listening to. Criticize their music and you are criticizing them.

-Listen to their music. Give it a chance. You might even like some of it. If anything, by listening to their music with or without them, you are showing that you are interested in their life. Again, music reflects their life.

-Listen to the lyrics of the song. Lyrics can give you a good idea of what emotions are the most prominent in your teen at the time. If they are listening to a lot of songs that are about love, well, your teen is probably in love. "Crush time." If the lyrics are angry and/or violent, your teen may be upset or hurt.

-Talk to them about their music. Ask what they like about the songs they listen to. Is it the music, the lyrics, or both? Talk about what music you liked when you were their age. This can be a cool conversation because a lot of the music today was sampled from the 60's, 70's and 80's.

-Be thankful that your teen can download songs for a dollar or less instead of having to buy an entire cd for fifteen to twenty dollars!

Goals

2009-05-13T09:20:00.000-05:00

What do you want in life? Do you want to improve on something that is good, or do you want to change something that is bad? Maybe you just want something that you've always dreamed of but thought was out of reach. Whatever it is you want, make it a goal.

A goal is something that you plan or intend on achieving. This means that there is an end point to attaining this goal. When you want something bad enough, getting it becomes a goal only if you act on it. In other words, take the necessary steps to achieve the goal.

When setting a goal, it's a good practice to set it high enough where you can break it down into smaller goals, but not too high were you can't achieve it. For example, one may set a goal of managing their depression so it doesn't interfere with their daily life. Very attainable. Yet, there needs to be steps to this goal (or smaller goals). Goal one might be to find the source of the depression, what is causing you to feel this way. Let's say it's your marriage. Goal two might be to learn effective ways to communicate with your spouse so you don't fight all the time. Goal three might be to figure out why you get so angry at "the little things." So on and so forth. Eventually, as the smaller goals are achieved, the bigger goal, managing the depression, becomes easier.Having the larger goal of not wanting to be depressed is understandable, but not usually attainable. Depression is an emotion. We all feel sad at times in our lives. Sometimes we even need it. To totally turn it off may not be possible. Managing it is more realistic. So remember, keep the goals attainable.

The term S.M.A.R.T. goals is used frequently. It breaks down goals in this manner;

S - Specific
M - Measurable
A - Attainable
R - Realistic
T - Timely

This is a good way to look at goals. So when you set your goals, ask yourself, are they specific, do they make sense to me? Can I measure them, will I know if I am reaching them or attaining them? Are they attainable, can I do it? Are they realistic or beyond my abilities? Can I attain them in a certain time frame?

It's also a good idea to stay positive when you are setting your goals. Having a positive outlook makes the journey much easier to take.

If you are in counseling or considering seeing a therapist, goals should be one of the first things you talk about with your counselor. Setting goals in counseling sets the direction for therapy and allows you to monitor your progress and the effectiveness of the process. If your teen is going to see a therapist, let them set the goals together. Counseling will not be as effective if the parents set the goals for the teen.

The Two Wolves

2009-05-05T08:46:00.001-05:00

An old Cherokee chief is teaching his grandson about life:

"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves."

One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego.

"The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

"This same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too.

"The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?

"The old chief simply replied, "The one you feed."

Choice Theory

2009-05-05T08:42:00.000-05:00

From the William Glasser Institute

Choice theory states that: All we do is behave, that almost all behavior is chosen, and that we are driven by our genes to satisfy five basic needs: survival, love and belonging, power, freedom and fun. In practice, the most important need is love and belonging, as closeness and connectedness with the people we care about is a requisite for satisfying all of the needs.

Choice theory, with the Seven Caring Habits, replaces external control psychology and the Seven Deadly Habits. External control, the present psychology of almost all people in the world, is destructive to relationships. When used, it will destroy the ability of one or both to find satisfaction in that relationship and will result in a disconnection from each other. Being disconnected is the source of almost all human problems such as what is called mental illness, drug addiction, violence, crime, school failure, spousal abuse, to mention a few.

Relationships and our Habits

Seven Caring Habits
1. Supporting
2. Encouraging
3. Listening
4. Accepting
5. Trusting
6. Respecting
7. Negotiating differences

Seven Deadly Habits
1. Criticizing
2. Blaming
3. Complaining
4. Nagging
5. Threatening
6. Punishing
7. Bribing, rewarding to control

The Ten Axioms of Choice Theory
-The only person whose behavior we can control is our own.
-All we can give another person is information.
-All long-lasting psychological problems are relationship problems.
-The problem relationship is always part of our present life.
-What happened in the past has everything to do with what we are today, but we can only satisfy our basic needs right now and plan to continue satisfying them in the future.
-We can only satisfy our needs by satisfying the pictures in our Quality World.
-All we do is behave.
-All behavior is Total Behavior and is made up of four components: acting, thinking, feeling and physiology.
-All Total Behavior is chosen, but we only have direct control over the acting and thinking components. We can only control our feeling and physiology indirectly through how we choose to act and think.
-All Total Behavior is designated by verbs and named by the part that is the most recognizable.

Keep Dreaming

2009-05-04T09:15:00.000-05:00

What is it that you dream about on a regular basis? In other words, what is it that you want the most in life? Whatever it is, keep on dreaming. Dream it so much that it starts to become a thought. And when that happens, keep thinking about it.

What will happen next is that it will start to become an action. You will start taking the steps to make it a reality. When that happens, keep on acting.

Some of you may even make that dream a reality. Some may not. The important thing here is to always dream. Keep that mind of yours active. Whether you think it can happen or not, keep dreaming it.

And most importantly, don't let anyone bring your dreams down. You can let them tell you it can't happen or that you are wasting your time. That's their opinion. The only thing you have to do is dream. And if you believe in your dream, you can think it. And if you can think it, you can act on it. And if you can act on it, you can achieve it.

The Fence

2009-04-30T12:30:00.001-05:00

There was a little boy with a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, to hammer a nail in the back fence.

The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Then it gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.Finally, the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all.

He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one."

What's An Adolescent

2009-04-29T11:30:00.000-05:00

This may seem like a dumb question for most parents. It can be answered by many as the pimply teen in the house that wants nothing to do with me, hides in their room, can text a paragraph in two seconds, disagrees about everything, stays up all night, can't wake up in the morning, plays video games forever, lives on the computer, etc., etc., etc..

All adolescents are unique and every parent can come up with a definition that portrays their teen and many others to a tee. If you want formal definitions of adolescence you can Google the word and come up with thousands of places to go for information. If you do so, the best places to start would be with Erickson and Piaget, two psychologists who came up with stages of development. Although their theories were developed ages ago, they still hold true, for the most part. For this blog's sake, I'll break it down in this simple way.

Adolescents are generally described as teenagers, 13 - 19 years of age. Although this may be true, times have changed and kids are displaying traits of teens as early as 10 years old. Some even continue to act like teens well into their twenties, but that's another topic altogether. The important thing as parents, is to know the common themes of adolescence.

*Who am I? Adolescents need to develop a sense of self and personal identity. They are heavily questioning who they are and how they fit in this world. Finding their own identity is difficult in the face of role models and peers. When you are being told how to be by parents and shown how to be by peers, going your own way is not easy.

*Leave me alone! Adolescents are seeking Independence. In order for them to be themselves, they feel the need to push away from others, especially their parents. They may have strong opinions and at times be seen as rebellious. This can be a reason why they spend so much time in their rooms and do not want to be disturbed.

*How do I solve it? When a complex problem arises, adolescents speculate about all possible solutions before trying them out in the real world. They are developing a moral code and question almost everything put in front of them.

*Puberty! Do I need to say more. Their bodies are changing and at times it freaks them out. Some changes make them feel confident and secure, some make them want to stay in their room and never come out. A pimple, for example, may not be a big deal to you, but to them it's the end of the world.

These are a few of the themes of adolescence to look for in your teen. These are not written in stone. Remember, your teen is unique from all others. Yes, they share the same stage of development and are going through the same things. That doesn't mean that it's predictable because some authorities on the subject say this is how it happens.

The reason for the themes are so you can have a better understanding of why they are acting the way they are. They are also guides to help you see if your teen is off track. For example, if your teen is impulsively jumping into things without thinking about solutions or outcomes, that might be something to look into, especially if the results are getting them into trouble at school, home or with their peers.

This is a stage, it will hopefully come to an end. Let them live it, experience it, struggle through it. Be there for them when they need you. You are a great resource for them as you have gone through it yourself. Just remember, saying It's An Adolescent Thing and leaving it alone is not a solution. Be proactive and supportive and the transition will be easier for them and for you.